As Alan Watts says: “Give it away and it comes back!”

When I lived in Boulder, I bought myself a boomerang. I have enjoyed learning to throw the boomerang and getting it to come back to me. You have to throw it at a 45 degree angle, and flick your wrist ~ oddly similar to throwing a sidearm curveball in baseball a way. The technique doesn’t matter so much to the story. It’s fun. I taught myself how to do it.

I had a few boomerangs. The blue one disappeared …. not sure where it went, some other dimension. The red one got stuck in a tree. But the funny three-pointed boomerang, now there’s a odd story, indeed!

One afternoon in Boulder, I threw that one, and it was very very windy. And the wind took the thing, and it went sailing up up and away. I watched it disappear into the wind and into the clouds ~ that thing was gone, no doubt about it.

I liked to play with the boomerangs at a baseball field close to the place I was staying. The next afternoon, I went out again to the field, and, believe it or not, the boomerang that had sailed up, up and away into the clouds, was right there, on the ground … exactly in the spot I had launched it from. Too weird to be true. But there it was!

Now, last month or so, I took that same boomerang out to the park in kansas city, and threw it pretty good. It didn’t come back to me, and I lost it in the sun. I have no idea where it flew to. I lost it, it was gone. I searched the ground all around, but it was gone.

Today (no I didn’t find it again, just wait!) …. I was out in the park, and I heard I was supposed to go back to where I threw the boomerang. Well, I walked there, and in the exact spot where I threw it from (or very very close), I found an ATM receipt.

I find ATM receipts from time to time ~ kind of like finding pennies. Not all that uncommon.

But this one was a very good omen ~ especially, like I say, because of where I found it. The ATM balance listed on said  deposit: $8,800; funds available: $75,000.

Well you don’t come across an ATM receipt like that everyday!
Especially since this morning I just said I wanted to do an event in March and earn $7,500 from it.

So, what do you make of that?
My boomerang turned into a good omen.I’m going to keep that receipt somewhere safe…..

Paradox of Self Love

I know this is hard to understand in a world recovering from “co-dependency.” Yet “co-dependancy” is actually closer to enlightenment than narcissism. In a world where “self-love” is held as an ideal, putting others before one’s self is actually where we need to be.

We’ve become oriented around self-love because:
1) we were taught ‘we are not good enough’
2) others don’t care for each other

But transcending those things means caring for each other.
I care for you; you care for me, unconditionally. Self-love is expressed through love for others.

The Unconditional Lover

I believe this year, you helped truly teach me what unconditional love is, both to give and to receive.

I believe that when two humans mate (or make love, to use the colloquial), our energies, and essence shifts and shapes the other if we are receptive ~ if it is the right person.

However short or long, a season of love, as say the lyrics from Rent, a season of love lasts forever, regardless of how it manifests in the physical expression of time.

I am embarking on a new relationship these days ~ we’ve had 3 dates and a sleepover. I find it vey true that the essence I bring into all of that, includes you. How very uncommon in today’s world of lovers and leavers.

Unconditional love has so many layers:
like a cake …. the essence of the flavor lingers long after it is savored.

So many times in this experience we call life, we regret the things unsaid, undone, unlearned, or, the worst, under-appreciated.

I prefer the word “appreciation” to gratitude.

For, I have found, that what we appreciate, appreciates (grows greater).

We lay in the grass in the park, at first, awkward together, but grounding right after getting together and stepping off the plane.

You drive a car that reminds me of a former lover, and I know, you are an intricate part of the tapestry of this experience we call life.

We took a bubble bath (my first in a long time!)

The warm water released my physical pain;

Bathing inside you, a blessing, so deep, that you would share your True You.

I am grateful for you, dear lover.

I feel so complete.

I feel so complete.

So many relationships end open-ended.

For my part, I don’t feel that way about you.

Our relationship felt like a symphony, a beautiful beginning, such a beautiful arch.

There’s nothing I’d do differently.

And I would definitely listen to that symphony again.

And if it is never played again, that’s simply because it linguers so perfectly that it simply could never be recreated.

My prayer would be that others could experence what we learned from other: how to have an unconditional lover.

Only those who have lost everything may find their way

Of the 2 months in 2019 that I was homeless, 40 of those 60 days were spent camping in wilderness areas.

In April, in Boulder, I went to an Easter Concert at dawn at the Red Rocks Amphitheater. It was a very transcendent experience, the ethereal music echoing off the red rock formations. Two nights later, I left the home I was staying at in Boulder with four other housemates and decided to be homeless. Rent was unreasonable. I don’t like living with strangers. It was April. In the mountains. The first night camping was in a snowstorm. Of the next 40 nights, at least seven were spent in heavy snow.

It really pushed me to the edge of my frayed rope, and even before embarking on the camping trip, I was already close to a mental breakdown ~ this was about 9 months after my suicide attempt.

20 days into the camping trip was a major breaking point.
Maybe I’ll put more details about this into my book. That’s when I spent 3 days in the hospital. The first night out of the hospital, another snowstorm. Still, better to have the autonomy of homelessness than the lack of empathy from the so-and-so professional mental health agents.

The report that the outtake nurse read to me (which she wasn’t supposed to, but she had empathy for me) said: patient speaks nonsense, and makes no sense.

Yes, I am sure I was waxing poetic about the state of the climate, materialism, the lack of empathy and unconditional love in the world. I can understand the diagnoses of crazy. Who talks like that? Who cares about things like that?

In a world where we arrest and hose down the Water Protectors at Standing Rock?

In a World where Trump is the leader?

Damn right I make no sense. Damn proud of it.

I believe in a goddman better world.

King, Warrior, Magician, Lover ~ four archetypes of the masculine

I am disappointed in my species.
Always have been.
Been shamed for feeling disappointed.

Well, though, who among you has the balls to quit your High Five Figure Job, leave the home you owned in the suburbs, and go off to find your soul?

In the Gospel of Thomas, (the real one by Jesus’ twin brother), Jesus says: Whoever has achieved self-actualization, the world is not worthy of him. No shit, it says that. It also says that Jesus was against circumcision. #metoo

I could quote chapter and verse, but I’d rather teach unconditional love to whoever is willing to listen and not call me crazy.

I’m come back to Civilization to change it.
Not taking no for an answer.


~Thanks to Alan Watts, in part, for helping me channel this material.~


         The beliefs that we hold, which were inherited and learned, create the world we experience around us in 2 ways:

        1) We are drawn to other people who share the same beliefs, and our agreement about those things reinforces them, and causes them to become real ~ manifest. Magnetizing other people (and opportunities) consistent with your beliefs is easiest in a civilization with critical mass. For example, if you want to take a yoga class in a very small town, you may or may not find one. If you wish to do this in any sized city, it’s part of our culture, so it’s easy. This is the law of attraction, in the rubber-hits-the-road sense. There is a higher “magical” sense of this in which, if you are looking for a Yoga class, it tends to find you first, if you aren’t looking too hard. Or, rather, you tend to find each other ~ this implies that consciousness is a magnet, and that the teacher of the class best suited to you attracts you, as much as you attract them. This implies, also, that consciousness is “fractal” ~ because the yoga class best suited to you finds you, not just any class. However, if you are not in “perfect alignment” then you first find a class that’s not well suited to you, and your experiece becomes a series of “successive approximations” to use Rollo May’s term.

         2) Your thoughts can also create new opportunities that do not already exist. This is harder, but possible. By force, (the old way) we can convince and manipulate others into doing things a new way. But that is not the law of attraction at work.

         With thoughts alone, the Law of Attraction does not translate into the Law of Creation. (Actually both of these things are more like Habits than Laws ~ the way Rupert Sheldrake phrases it)

         The Habit of Attraction is:

         1) Opposites Attract ~ “the contrast” to use Abraham Hicks’ phrase ~ also known as Karma ~ also the reason you don’t find the perfect yoga class all at once. (But when you are in “alignment” you do.) Alignment is: thoughts, feelings, emotions in agreement.

         2) Like attracts Like ~ when, and only when, (as Yoda would say) you have moved into the frame of mind where you are transmuting Karma instead of living into it. You always attract it, but it’s how you don’t react to it that counts. Karmic Aikido, for lack of an existing phrase.

        Consciousness (the emergent property of thoughts, feelings and emotions) reverses Entropy.

         Entropy is the primary Law of the inorganic universe (yang).

         Intropy (for lack of an existing word) is the Habit of the conscious aspect of the universe, which reverses entropy.

         Entropy is the principle of shattering a glass ~ chaos from order ~ also the principle of opposites attracting (yang).

         Intropy is self-organization ~ the habit of stars and planets to form ~ the habit of like attracting like (yin).

         When consciousness is in balance ~ thoughts, feelings, emotions (body, speech, mind) in perfect oneness ~ to borrow the Buddhist phrase, then we achieve “Ying” ~ the balance of Yin and Yang.

         The emotional act of living with Ying allows your life to unfold naturally, without forcing, and one will find that the Universe tends to unfold with your best interest in mind. From a conscious perspective, the easiest way to achieve this state of mind (and emotional harmony within yourself) is to set all intentions “for the benefit of all sentient beings.”

         As the Vulcans would say, “simple: logic and emotions in balance.” ~ Left and Right Brain in balance brings us into our “right mind” ~ this is the “Rite of Mind” ~ for lack of an existing term.

         To achieve this state also implies coming to terms (and at peace with) one’s own shadow, as well and not behaving in accordance with the shadow side of cultural conditioning.

         No easy task, but possible.

The Great Murmuration

As the afternoon begins to wind down, a soft sound fills the sky  from an unseen source. It begins to get louder, and louder, as my eyes cast about the terrain looking the cause of the interruption of silence.

I am sitting peacefully, mediating, looking over the water, a   small lake, surrounded by oaks and maples that have already surrendered their leaves for the season.

There is a distinct chill in the air, and, at the risk of sounding cliché, I know what all of nature knows: winter is descending.

They come in for a landing. Ducks. Hundreds of them, landing on the lake, in their annual migration.

An award winning photography series by  Daniel Biber cin 2018 captured a starling murmuration where the shape the flock takes becomes a giant starling in the sky.

As I’m writing this, I open Google to search for their exact species name, and am disturbed to realize that the vast majority of “waterfowl migration” websites are duck hunting websites. The sadness lingers in my chest for a moment, before I can come back to these words.

These beautiful red-headed ducks chirp and chatter as they descend, but it’s the sound of their wings that I am listening to, a gentle, sweeping sound, barley discernable under the honking.

The sound of wings would fill the air like a strong wind if there weren’t so much Duck Talk going on.

I imagine myself being a duck and wondering why all my brothers and sisters are talking so much. As a human, I am very moved by non-verbal communication.

The ducks’ orange webbed feet skid in for a landing, the water splashing with the sound of a rain shower, and then, instantly, everything falls silent. They’ve landed. There is silence.

The behavior of flying in a flock of hundreds fascinates me.

Ducks like these exemplify it, but Starlings have made it famous: the effect known as “murmuration.”

A murmuration of starlings sweeps across the sky in the thousands, reforming, sweeping, swirling, dancing, all as one. It looks like they’re dancing, just having fun. And the shapes the flock takes resemble a constantly changing rorschach blot. An award winning photography series by  Daniel Biber cin 2018 captured a starling murmuration where the shape the flock takes becomes a giant starling in the sky.

It’s a fascinating behavior, and Starlings are about the most eloquent symphony to watch, even when they are not forming a fractal pattern that resembles a giant bird.

At the individual level, the murmuration phenomenon is relatively straightforward: when a neighbor moves, so do you. Depending on the flock’s size and speed and its members’ flight physiologies, the large-scale pattern changes. When a flock turns in unison, it’s called a phase transition ~ the same phenominon that causes water to become ice instantly, when it reaches the correct temperature. Turns out, laws of physics apply to biology, too.

There is no better metaphor for understanding collective consciousness than a murmuration.

Humans use different words for this phenomena: we call it shoaling in fish, flocking in birds, swarming in insects, herding in land animals. In human behavior, it’s useful to view society as a large-scale murmuration.

From ideologies that societies hold, to patterns of behavior we belief, adopt and accept because we are influenced to do so by our neighbors, mom and dad, marketing agencies, politicians, and so forth.

In human society, we witness ideological murmurations.

What scientists do not understand about the murmuration of starlings is how “critical mass” is reached. How, spontaneously, does the entire flock turn on a dime, and instantaneously create  a new form? This is not a choreographed ballet, and no one has filed a flight plan with the control tower. It just happens, spontaneously, and all individuals are affected, all at once.

All water, at 32 degrees F, turns to ice. No individual water molecule has any say in the matter whatsoever. To the extent that Starlings have free will, a rogue flyer or two or 10 could opt-out of the murmuration. Or could they? Is group behavior so strong when it reaches critical mass that it overrides free will?

And how does this apply to human behavior?

When we’re living in a society where the zeitgeist of norms no longer serves us, when enough individuals agree to disagree with the patterns of behavior we have been living with for so long, that we achieve critical mass, then, a new pattern arises.

And society undergoes a phase shift, just as Starlings create a new shape in the air.

That’s the best metaphor there is for the transition human global civilization is undergoing in our lifetimes. We are witnessing a great murmuration, perhaps the greatest one since the Renaissance of DaVinci; perhaps the greatest one since the evolution of Homo Sapiens.

This societal phase shift is precipitated by nothing less than the convergent crises of global warming, the end of the age of fossil fuels, the collapse of the patriarchic systems of control.

The Zen Buddhist Monk, Thich Nhat Hahn, one of the most influential spiritual leaders on Earth, has said that the 20th century has been characterized by war, violence, hate and greed.

If we are to survive, the 21st century must be one of peace and spirituality.

That’s the direction of the phase shift I am working for.

Possibly our great murmuration could go another direction,  but it’s important to look in the direction we want to go, to influence the great human murmuration.

To what degree do our thoughts attract our experiences?

I’ve noticed a strange phenomenon that doesn’t seem to make much logical sense.

When I am feeling good, and noticing I am having happier thoughts, inexplicable things seem to happen. Yesterday, several people messaged me who I would not have expected to have heard from ~ creating more “positive potential.”

It seems to me that being in a happier state of mind somehow attracts “from a distance” other opportunities along the same lines.
It’s as if there’s some kind of principle of attraction (like mind sets attracting like-minded people and events) at play ~ at a non-physical level. I’d even call it a super-conscious level.
It seems to be a property of consciousness that thoughts act like magnets.
More peculiar still, my actions might have had a larger influence on the existence of this particular social event than it would seem.

Ironically, one thing for me that I notice is necessary for my brain health and helping it attract on the non-physical level is having all of my physical needs met. Food, water, shelter, of course, but I mean more physiological too: emotional, physical touch, and being in a state of sexual-emotional nourishment is, honestly, like the “rocket fuel” of “manifestation” I find. That, as well, as as a daily meditation practice to calm balance and center the mind, seems to help as much as eating fresh fruits and vegetables and getting enough physical exercise.

That’s a major reason why, for me, only what I call “Sacred Sexuality” is appropriate to invite in. That doesn’t mean “romantic sexuality” exclusively. To be honest, I find healthy sexuality to be VERY different from our culturally conditioned ideas of it.

Same with life, in general. Our society really has us twisted up in knots.

I think that when we work our regular jobs, or participate in “society as usual,” staying busy in such ways as we do, our consciousness is numbed, atrophied, and the effect I’m describing becomes not only less obvious, but possibly less pronounced.

Much of my days are filled with a lot of “spaceousness” ~ time when I don’t have any specific obligations. That, in itself, is exceptionally rare for people today. Because of work, but also because they simply have lost the capacity to “do nothing” and “sit still.” But it’s what Buddhist Monks do a lot of, and it’s what Aboriginal and Native Peoples did a lot of of, too. It is said hunting and gathering and village life only required 4 hours of “work” per day to meet the needs of the people in the village. The rest of their time was spent more or less in stillness.

So few of us have the “luxury” of doing this today, which is sad. And being one of the only ones I know with the “privilege” of being able to do that, I am noticing more and more and more. It also, though, of course, feels lonlely, as I wonder, “Am I the only one?”

I have become more disciplined about meditating before bed, and in the morning, cultivating the mental muscle to monitor my thoughts and to the best of my ability, keep the negative ones out. That requires quite a bit of concentration, and, just like it’s hard to concentrate if you don’t eat well, meditating in such a way is a challenge when the mind/body/spirit is not nourished in having its social needs met. 

It is obvious to me that focusing on maintaining a happy state of mind is essential to me moving forward on my path ~ it must be my number one priority if I am to succeed at attracting and creating “out of thin air” the opportunities needed to become a paid workshop leader and public speaker. Intrinsic to that is an environment of social nourishment, I believe ~ something very worthwhile of devoting resources to.

I’m out on the fringes of society here and trying to “Chip away” at the status quo, influencing individuals to realize and remember what’s important. I feel like this is one of my main purposes in life ~ doing so involved creating my Authentic Relating workshops, NVC/empathy groups, and even cuddle parties.

It’s an energy I felt out west that I feel is wanting to grow here in Kansas City, but is just beginning to take root. I’m feeling like my role here is to help it grow.

I have a massage scheduled with someone willing to work in trade, not money. There is a “gift economy” developing, largely springing out of the “Burning Man” scene, and infiltrating more and more into the daily lives of the more and more people.

Bodywork really helps with keeping the physiological balance in the body.

There is a growing interest and understand that it makes sense to trade for goods and services, and get away from “I give you money for this,” then “you give me money for that.”

It’s obviously an idea the Native Americans understood, and finally is coming back in vogue. That’s another trend I see essential to help encourage if our society has any hope of getting out of this mess.

We have a big mess to get out of as a society.
It’s going to take a lot of what I call “Off the Spectrum” thinking to get us there.

As always, love and welcome your comments and feedback!

Intimacy ~ “into-me-see”

Yesterday was the first really very good day I had in quite a while. In the evening, there was also an unexpected gathering that a friend put together, which was more than just a social event…. there were about 6 of us there, and we are all in a unique space of seeing the world differently, for lack of a better way to say it.

I think the general feeling I want to express is that there’s a shared understanding that “getting a grip” on our lives is no small accomplishment for those of us who have the courage to live according to our convictions. It’s something that no diploma will ever be awarded for; and it’s something very hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t been through it.

Even “successful” people who “benefit” from the world as it is are having more and more of a difficult time financially, (just think about the ballooning of student debt), and are experiencing ever greater levels of stress and anxiety in their careers. The constant pull of busier and busier lives reinforces our emotional disconnect from each other, which has been in a state of dis-ease as a culture for generations. This is the American-made version of the Chinese Finger Trap. The more we fight against it, the more we get stuck.

All of my friends are ones who have opted out of “business as usual” and are asking “What the heck do we do instead?”

One of our friends, Allen Little, recently gave a Ted X talk in Chicago on “Self Talk” and is becoming a rather successful Life Coach. Knowing him is a real blessing and anchor for our group. I recently did an episode with him on the “Off the Spectrum,” podcast and we’re recording another one Wednesday.

So 6 of us got together last night, and gatherings like that remind me that I’m not crazy. Too frequently, I still wonder if my experience of being depressed & frustrated is all in my head. Why don’t other people seem to feel this way? Is it just me? Can’t be. Some people just don’t talk about it. Others just accept it. It’s the ones who have opted out who can see the culture we are living in more clearly.

I think a good metaphor is a goldfish swimming in a dirty bowl. Our environment is polluted with toxic emotions and unrealistic expectations in working environments. Meanwhile, the solutions that clean the water are connection, affection, love, intimacy, (phonetically “in-to-me-see”), and they are all being suffocated by lives that are far too busy, hectic and rushed. It’s rare pockets of humans who come together and actually feel safe being vulnerable with each other. It feels like taking a bubble bath. It’s a real blessing in a world where it should be normal.

With the lack of vulnerability present in many social interactions, even if we’re all spending time together, we’re not being nourished by one other. At worst, we’re actively abusing each other by connecting through sarcastic humor, insults meant as compliments and a very black-and-white approach to physical touch. We often rush into romantic partnerships because the needs for intimacy we feel go unfulfilled in our close friendships.

Intimacy is often taboo.

Lonliness is never more present than when we first take a step back and set good boundaries about who to let into our lives.
When we have healthy people in our lives, then we can take a few steps closer to creating healthy intimacy with boundaries that don’t neeed to be so cut and dry.

Equal with a sense of loneliness, a sense of hopelessness around what Buddhism calls “right livelihood” shows up when we truly think about what kinds of working environments are actually healthy and available. Society that has forgotten how to define itself through anything other than work which keeps us running ever faster on the hamster wheel. The wheel is going to fall off its gears at this rate.

The work we do is all based on production and consumption, which makes us not only emotionally unhappier but is causing our climate to destabilize. If we want to save the planet, and save ourselves, we’d all be much better off working far less and spending far more time simply … being with each other.

The depression I feel comes from seeing all of this, as well as frequently finding it a struggle to find people to spend time with, as so many of us fill our time with a mix of obligatory tasks and then the emotionally-avoidant ones.

Depression arises from realizing the truth and feeling powerless to communicate it. Spending time with a good group of friends last night was very emotionally therapeutic. A lot of this is what my book is about.

Pre-order now….


Fear is not the opposite of Love, despite the popularity of this belief. Fear and Love are only opposites in the sense that they are two sides of the same coin. When we Love & Fear something, it’s called “Respect.” For example, we respect fire. Anger, on the other hand, is the true antithesis of Love.

The expression “Fear is the opposite of Love” was popularized by Marianne Williamson in “A Course in Miracles,” and has been repeated so often, (including by Jim Carrey in his viral commencement address at Maharishi University in Fairfield, Iowa) that it has become a BELIEF in our society.

“Beliefs” are concepts we accept as Truths regardless of their validity. This belief isn’t as dangerous as some, but it’s incorrect nevertheless, and I’d like to see more of us critically question our beliefs and assumptions. Assumptions become Beliefs when we start acting on them.

Fear is not the opposite of Love.
This understanding is incomplete.
Anger is more accurately the opposite of Love.

Anger arises from being mistreated, being oppressed, bullied, etc. Fear is often manufactured by oppressors as a way of keeping the oppressed in line. Anger is what mass shooters feel, and they are really the very embodiment of the lack of love in our society. They weren’t raised with love, but rather with hate. I’d say they actually are in a state of reckless fearlessness (of consequences, etc.). They’ve truly gotten over any and all fear to act out of Anger, the opposite of Love.

There are some valid points Marianne Williamson makes, and I feel that her overall message is beneficial, but I would like to see her question some of her assumptions …. maybe realize that she is making some assumptions.